Surest surefire way to die
by Steven Kanon
Summary: Surest estate is always looking for able and willing heroes to drive head first into danger for the pursuit of riches and glory. All while hacking and slashing away through hordes and hordes of unholy monsters, greedy lowly humans, intelligent pigs, fish people, and otherworldly hentai monsters. All while playing some sweet tunes?
1. Prologue

Prologue: We are all going to fucking die.

For some life is a adventure full of companions, destiny, and legendary fights to decide the fate of a world. Unfortunately that's only for some people and not all. One such normal soul is our resident bard currently in a carriage, upside down, on fire, in midair, on the most dangerous road of his life going to the most dangerous place of his life, and surrounded by bandits.

Based on the bards rather horrified expression he was really wishing he was wearing a neon green tunic with a equal as neon green sock hat unlike his brown tunic and messy brown bed head. Maybe with a legendary unbreakable sword and shield rather then a his hand made shabby lute. Curiousity was cruel however making the bard embark on this journey only to die before he even got there, gravity was also cruel as it caused the carriage to go crashing into the stone ground.

Truly Steven the bard had made the wrong life choice deciding to live his life as something he's not. That being a strong, reliable, and smart hero. Instead the weak, cowardice, and dumb liar did the only thing he could think of. Scream like a little bitch the whole way down holding onto his lute for dear life.

(First fanfic ever criticize everything I do wrong, also this is just a short intro the normal chapters will be longer when I get around to doing them.)


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: A Song of Bitching and Whining

The bard shook off his cowardice as chaos filled his ears. Horses whining, bandits cackling, and the fire eating through the brittle wood of the carriage as he lay belly down inside the sideways burning carriage still clutching his lute. He almost crawled out of the burning shelter to escape the smoke; if he had not seen the bandits looting the dropping supplies from the crashed carriage he would have been swarmed and killed.

This was it; he, Steven the self proclaimed heart thief and supposedly master bard, was going to die here either choking on smoke or getting killed by lowly bandits one way or another. It made his plain brown eyes start to weep tears of regret but he'd never admit that. Nope, it was the smoke burning his eyes! He didn't make a sound as he listened and eyed the burning back side of the carriage waiting for his end. He could even hear the demons already screaming at him ready to torture him for all of eternity!

Thankfully the screaming wasn't demons waiting to tear him apart. Rather, it was the literally disarmed bandit that was flung into his view. Steven froze at the site of the man clutching his bloody stump arm screaming in pain; the bard was sure he came alone. Then again he never did check the front of the carriage besides the driver. That humble old man was probably torn apart anyways so who was this?

Stevens thoughts were cut short as more screams of horror came rushing to his ears combined with the clashing of steel. He shuffled to hide behind a burning crate awkwardly just wishing for this to stop and for him to be back home with his family. Fate had other plans, however, as the last of the noises were finally cut off with the sound of steel cutting through bone making him peek over to see the one armed bandit's head cleaved in two.

It was quiet now, unusually quiet. No footsteps, no breathing, no sounds, only the crackling of flame on wood. Steven finally sighed in relief that the world had heeded his pleas and carefully made his way out making sure not to catch on fire. A crunching sound echoed in his ear as he lifted his foot up to see a large cotton sack ripped open with gunpowder dribbling out on a direct route to the flames.

"NOOOOOOO-" His totally manly scream of denfience and not horror was cut short as a black metal gauntlet broke through the burning wood and grabbed the whailing bard by the scruff of his tunic. His back muscles groaned in pain as the bard was forcibly pulled, and thrown through burning carriages walls. Stevens vision blurred as the sound of a explosive filled ear, he sat up rubbing his now aching back with a simply put it, angry expression despite being terrified to his core at the moment.

Slowly the bards limited vision came back to him as he took in his surroundings. The sky was pitch black not a single light shone besides the the dancing form of a flame trying to catch anything near it and unintentionally illuminating the trees behind it as light reflected off the dark green leaves. It would have been a beautiful sight but the mutilated bandit bodies that were currently being cooked were a big ink splotch on an otherwise great setting for a painting. Steven almost vomited at the sight if not something bizarre talking most of his attention, a figure was walking out of the flames was what he would describe it as he was nearsighted and couldn't make them out. His dulled instincts however could make something out, that being the colossal size and the weapons that seemed to match. If Steven hadn't shit himself already he was definitely going to soon.

The lanky bards breath hitched as the massive figure in decorated black steel plate closed the distance between the two in a matter of seconds and quickly became apparent that this thing was responsible for the burning human remains. His evidence being the blood red kite shield attached to the forearm that cover most of his body and the dark grey battle axe covered in entrails. Stevens immediate response was to screech rather feminine like to his impending doom walking towards him hoping that if he closed his eyes that the monster would go away. The monster didn't stop however as it was right on top of him now, staring down like a judge about to sentence a man to the death sentence. Said death sentence came in the form of an open palmed bitch slap from a metal gauntlet across the bards surprised face.

"Ow I can't believe you've done this!" Steven snarled with a livid expression as he rubbed the red hand print now on his swollen cheek.

Steven didn't have time to complain or think any further, as his glasses that he thought were desegregated in the explosive was pushed onto to his face and he was lifted to his feet with a simply tug. His tired legs went a bit wobbly as they got used to his weight again and he awkwardly adjusted his glasses to see clearly again. The bard started to sweat as his eyes meet the monsters "eyes" through the tiny holes in its helmet. The fake bravery in brown eyes met the complete boredom in the blood red eyes that seemed to bore into his soul without any effort. Steven now had a new respect for his old theater acting as his eye trick seemed to work making the monster in armor walk past him.

Steven sighed in relief as he turned to also move to his destination to exhausted to think about the monster or its actions. He came here on a whim and it seemed that now he had no choice but to resume moving towards the whim as he didn't know how to get back to where he once lived. It was a bitter feeling leaving his home behind but he wouldn't be stopped now! Not when he was so close and survived this near death situation!

A thump echoed through the forest as the day dreaming bard bumped into he non moving monster but didn't fall. He was about to break into a sprint hoping to out speed the armored giant but was held in place by the metal hand grasping his fleshy one. Steven didn't argue in fear of what might happen to him as the monster stomped towards his destination with him in tow. His. Destination. The Surest Estate. A bard and a monster now walked towards the place where the darkness was at its peak. One a young naive musician and actor only here to make some quick coin in a doomed town that could use some cheer. The other a monster with an unknown goal and a merciless attitude.

"Well it could be worse I guess..." The bard Steven sighed quietly as he unwillingly followed the monster and to his sanity's dismay towards the Hamlet. He hoped it didn't smell the fact that he had soiled his tunic.


End file.
